Written by Wire Piddle
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Topics: Karl Malden

Thursday, 2 July 2009

image for Karl Malden Dies, Gets Stuck Outside The Pearly Gates
ATM by SATAN

Heaven, Universe - Karl Malden, 97, has died but what appears more infuriating to the former actor and American Express pitchman is that, due to an unforseen influx of dead celebrities, his reservation was lost, and his American Express is not accepted here.

Said Malden, "I can't for the life of me understand why they won't take my American Express card. It's Platinum for God's sake and I paid the annual fee just last week."

Speaking on behalf of Heaven, front desk clerk, Ahmed Bhati stated, "It is the policy of Heaven not to accept these cards for reservations or payment. Quite frankly, they charge us an arm and a leg. We have to absorb a 15% premium for accepting these cards. At those rates, we'd go out of business pretty fast."

Responded Mr. Malden, "Well what in Hell do they expect me to do? Go back to earth and find an ATM machine? It's not like I have any say in the matter. It was God that summoned me, not the other way around."

"Well," stated Mr. Bhati, "...we do provide ATM machines in the lobby for credit deprived individuals. Mr. Malden only needed to ask."

And with that comment, Mr. Malden was taken by a bellhop to the ATM machine, conveniently supplied by Satan Cash Corp.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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