Written by Madame Bitters
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009

image for Vince, the 'Sham-WOW' Guy Should Have Died Instead of Billy Mays(!)
If only Grammy had liked candy corn, she may still be alive today

The public has spoken: Vince, the much despised 'Sham-WOW' guy should be six feet under instead of Billy Mays.

Mays, the enthusiastic spokesman for miracle cleaning products was best known for his LOUD late-night TV commercials and his full, magnificent beard.

When I asked average folks on the street how they felt about Mays' death, the ones who didn't brandish firearms or pepper-spray at my approach, spoke candidly about the pitchman's passing.

One woman I spoke to had nothing but praise for the late Mays:

"I can honestly say tht Billy Mays' ear-shattering late night TV infomercials saved my marriage."

The woman continued, "My husband snored terribly so I was chronicaly sleep deprived. We have a TV in our bedroom so whenever a Billy Mays commercial came on I turned up the volume full blast. Of course my husband would wake up- who could sleep through that?"

The woman went on, "It drove my huband to sleep in the guest room. Now that we're both well rested, everyday is like a honeymoon!"

She continues, "Why did God have to take Billy Mays? Why not the Sham-WOW guy? He reminds me of the fellow who sold my husband and I tsumani insurance!"

(It should be noted that these interviews took place in Nebraska.)

A fellow I spoke a few minutes later voiced a similar opinion. "Billy Mays believed in what he was selling. Why else would he scream about how great OxyClean was?

"Not like the Sham-WOW guy," the man said. "He's a mumbler. I don't trust mumblers. Mays shouted cricles around that shifty punk."

(It should be noted that this man was old and was wearing a hearing aide the size of a transistor radio.)

The last person I spoke to that day was a young woman who told me how Sham-WOW killed her grandmother!

"Grammy loved Laffy Taffy- the lemon ones most of all.

"One day I came home to find Grammy had tried to eat my Sham-WOW. She confused it for a gigantic piece of lemon Laffy Taffy." She paused before continuing, "Grammy got confused sometimes." Obviously.

Sham-WOW's super absorbant polymers swelled up as it absorbed the old woman's saliva, of which she had an abundance since the elderly are prone to drooling.

She went on to say that, "Vince, the Sham-WOW guy shoulda died instead of the Tae-Bo guy."

When I explained to her that Billy Blanks was alive and well and that it was Billy Mays(!) who died the girl shrugged and said, "Same difference."

(It should be noted that since this young lady was quite overweight it was a miracle she'd even heard of Tae-Bo.)

Make Madame Bitters's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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