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Saturday, 27 June 2009

image for Lambert Dismayed: Gerbil Refuses to Leave BuckwheatsButt's Asscrack
Squirrels keep nuts in their cheeks, sure, but who thought a nut would keep a gerbil between his cheeks?

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a twist almost no one could have predicted, the gerbil that near-Idol Adam Lambert shoved up BuckwheatsButt's ass as an act of revenge has decided to make itself at home, much to the chagrin of both celebrities.

Though he grunted and groaned for 40 agonizing minutes in a squatting position earlier this afternoon, BuckwheatsButt was reportedly unable to pass the squatter, and is currently in the process of consuming several boxes of 60% No-Bran washed down with MetaMucilage in hopes he can crap the critter in a couple of hours.

"If that doesn't work," he said hopefully, beads of perspiration gleaming on his furrowed brow, "I'm gonna gas out the little guy with Jalapenoman's patented Frijoles Refritos."

All this is little consolation to Lambert, who says he's worried about the gerbil's safety. "All he has to do is wait for him to get hungry, and he'll come out by himself!" moaned Lambert, grimacing in horror as BuckwheatsButt continued shoveling 60% No-Bran into his pudgy little face.

"The gerbil, that is," he added. "BuckwheatsButt will never come out!"

At this point, San Francisco Onion staff writer Ginger Steele resigned, effective immediately, citing a near-complete lack of serious satire in the tradition of Jonathan Swift she had been promised.

Watching Lambert attempting to peer up BuckwheatsButt's backside, Steele shook her head in disgust for the last time, and was seen to spin on her heels, strutting haughtily out of the room.

"That b*tch was always a pain in the ass, anyway," said The SFO's founder as he watched her disappear around the corner. "She can't seem to understand that sometimes you have to compromise to accomplish anything at all. Her stuff never even got read before those penis and vagina stories! I'm gonna miss that sweet ass, though.

"Hey, guys!!" he hollered over his shoulder, snickering a little as Lambert tried to jam a hooked thumb up the ponderous, pimply posterior before him. "Need a hand with that?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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