HOLLYWOOD - Senior Fear Factor debuted this week to a captive aging audience and featured six spunky seniors vying for the coveted grand prize: Free Medicare benefits and lifetime accommodations at La Fonda del Muerta, the premiere senior care resort of the Caribbean.
The contestants --all between the ages of 65 and 80-- seemed confident in their quest for the brass ring until the first challenge was announced: The Falling.
"Try not to be nervous," Dick Clark, host of Senior Fear Factor, told contestants. "If you become frightened, transfer your fear to your opponents. Give yourself the edge in this challenging competition."
Clark then led the contestants to The Falling's arena and explained the nature of the challenge. Each contestant was required to fall down and get up, completing the process within the landing zone.
"If you break a hip, you're out;" said Clark, "if you chicken out, you're out but you can break anything else and you are still in so good luck!"
The Falling's surface bore a striking resemblance to the popular backyard summer product, Slip 'N Slide. Clark quickly explained the secret means by which the surface was made slick. A special mixture of oil and hot wax was generously slathered on the arena's surface rendering the challenge far more threatening than previously imagined.
Meemaw Mason drew the least favored position, that of first to fall, and she warily approached the slippery surface. The clock was started but Williams broke down before she could complete her fall, crying that she had lied to Fear Factor officials.
Mason then confessed before international cameras that she had once undergone double hip replacement surgery, and the fear of being further immobilized was too horrific for her to endure. She collapsed from the stress, and the remaining five contestants stepped over her on their way to test their resolves. Nathaniel Knox, who drew second, then began his attempt at the prize.
Sadly, the show did not live up to critics' expectations as only two contestants out of 10 made it through the first challenge. Sponsored by Depends and GasX, Senior Fear Factor initially drew a large viewing audience but the show failed to complete its half hour time slot with both Hermione Pepperstein and Albert Covington-Trask failing to complete the second competition: Driving Without Excessive Turn Signalling.
"I was so scared I wouldn't remember to click it off it after I turned," said Pepperstein this morning on Fox and Friends. "I tried my best but the pressure was too great."
What could have been gold for NBC has seemingly turned to dust for studio planners. Viewer comments have been pouring in and NBC officials stated that the majority of callers felt there were simply not enough contestants.
NBC began immediate reformatting of the show, tentatively titled Senior Intimidation Island, in hopes a tropical setting will appeal to a wider audience. Challenges already planned for the program include Quickest Cutting Of Thick Toenails and a terrifying challenge incorporating Mexican food titled Hot 'N Spicy Flatulence Attack..
Certainly, hopes remain high at NBC to cash in on the current popularity of their original fear brainchild but only time will tell if they will once again reap high advertising revenues by manipulating gross panic and dread.
This parody was previously published on Laughsend