Washington, D.C. - Pulling up to a gas pump driving his old Cadillac CTS to a pool of reporters waiting for his arrival, a press conference called to tout the senator's going green by buying a Ford Fusion Hybrid, John McCain calmly exits the drivers seat, takes a step back and pushing what appears to be a button controlling a car alarm (making a whistling sound), but which is actually sending a signal to his Cadillac CTS to begin its transformation process.
"I know you were all expecting me to pull up in a Ford Fusion Hybrid today," says McCain as his Cadillac CTS began to turn itself inside out. "And I've not come here to disappoint you. Because, you see, this car is a lot like the old me. But just like this car, I too can transform to adopt to the future."
Right before the pool of reporters and their flashing cameras, McCain's Cadillac CTS modern urban assault vehicle finished its transformation process. And suddenly appeared before them, a late 19th century horse and buggy for about a few seconds. Just long enough for the reporters to breakout into spontaneous laughter before returning back to its original form, a Cadillac CTS.
"Wait, wait folks," said McCain as he looked down at his key chain. "I must have pushed the wrong button."
Again, before the press pool of reporters, McCain's Cadillac CTS began its transformation process, only this time taking longer than before as if struggling to take shape Finally though, it assumed the shape of a Ford Fusion Hybrid.
"You see folks," said an exuberant McCain as he walked up to the Ford Fusion Hybrid with his hand out stretched ready to touch the hood of the car, only to pull it back at the last moment as he saw the metallic skin begin to shimmer and shake on a subatomic level.
"I promise you people," said a nervous looking McCain who started pushing the buttons on his key chain again, while addressing the press. Occasionally looking back over his shoulder to see what shape his Cadillac CTS was turning into now. "I've really changed. It's no facade. This is the new me. Not the old me."
Just then, behind him, McCain's Cadillac CTS started transforming at a quicker pace, out of control and into war machines spanning the dawn of time.
"It transformed into a F-16 Navy Tomcat, a B-52 Bomber, and then a P-38J Thunderbolt," said a reporter who took shelter with the other reporters inside the gas station/convenience store. "All the while, McCain stood out front continuing to push buttons on his key chain, which only caused his Cadillac CTS to transform faster and faster."
"McCain's Cadillac CTS seems to be resisting change," said another reporter to a group of colleagues gathered in front of an espresso machine, eating donuts safely inside the gas station/convenience store. "Like it's trying to hold on to its true identity. Very Freudian, but don't quote me."
Just then another reporter screamed out in absolute horror, drawing everyone's attention back to the scene outside the gas station.
"Look everybody! Is that what I think it is?" said a reporter making the sign of the holy Stations of the Cross. "Is that a..."
Outside with his back to an Inter Continental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) that towered in the sky, McCain was still pushing buttons on his key chain, when reporters from inside the gas station/convenience store drew his attention to the nuclear missile behind him.
"What? Why are you all looking at me like that?" said McCain, as he continued pushing buttons on his key chain, until he turned around at the behest of the screaming reporters. "Oh my Lord...."
Quickly turning back to face the reporters, a blushing McCain attempted to explain the situation.
"Look everybody," said McCain, as the ICBM began its countdown launching sequence all on its own. "That's not the new me. That's the old me. I asked the car dealer for a Ford Fusion. Not nuclear fusion. Promise I did. Cross my heart."
As the reporters all dialed on their cell phones, calling in their stories to their editors, the ICBM transformed one final time but into a flying saucer. Slowly as it gained altitude, hovering above the gas station, it shined a beam of light down on to McCain. Slowly drawing him up inside, giving him time to addressed the reporters as he departed.
"You've foiled my plans for the last time liberal media!" said McCain waving his fist in the air as he was slowly drawn up into the belly of the silvery metallic spacecraft. "But when I get back, after speaking to my leader General Qeeh-Sak of the New Galactic Order, I will run for the presidency. Then the time will be right. Twenty-twelve is my year! Okay, maybe 2016, and if not then, 2020 for sure. And if not -"
Before McCain could finish his campaign speech, however, he was sucked into the craft that then flew away at the speed of light, leaving a trail of fire behind it in the sky.