Stunning film actress Maria Sharapova's latest film 'The Scream' opened in cinemas in London today, and was met with mixed reviews from audiences and critics alike.
The movie is a horror story set in a ruined castle in Wimbledon, where the tall and beautiful Sharapova lures her always female victims into her carefully manicured gardens, tempting them with wealth and fame beyond their wildest dreams.
But just as the victims realise that Maria is really out to destroy their souls, and just as they decide that it's time to escape, that evil blond young lady begins her demonic screaming at them, paralysing them with fear and hopelessness.
Victim after victim falls prey to her screams, hypnotised by her incessant shrieking into a state of limbo, where it is only too easy for Sharapova to ruin them and dispose of their bodies in the inside sports pages of The Metro, a fate worse than death. But it won't be giving too much away by revealing that there's a twist towards the end of this film, and one that disappointed many viewers.
Just as Maria believes she is invincible, and that no woman can stand up to her demonic powers, a small Princess from darkest Peru arrives at her castle, and tells her that she has come to slay her and end her evil ways.
'Your screams do not scare me', Princess Gisela says, 'nor your shrieking and panting for air, like a seal waiting for its next fish. I am here to end your reign of terror! Arriba, let's dance!', and soon the two are grappling on the stone floor for control of the magic Nike contract.
'It's mine!', shouts Maria Sharapova, in between her monstrous screams and shrieks, and 'Not any more, senorita!' comes back from the Princess, pinning her to the ground with an Inca necklock, and finally the darker-skinned one wins the fight, and triumphantly holds the Nike contract in her hand.
'Your rule of south-west London and ye shepherds of Bush is now at an end!', the Princess laughs, and tieing the blond fiend into a massive catapult machine she fires her all the way back to Russia, whence she came from many, many years ago.
Critics were unsure about the movie, and one said 'Well, Maria might have showed a bit more thigh in it', and another added 'Not bad, but could have gone on for a bit longer, but at least the ending was very dramatic.'
A strange silence had descended across south-west London this evening, broken only by the occasional grunts and squawks of various migrating female tennis players.