Written by swell
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Topics: TV

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

"Superman was allergic to anything krypto-. I thrive on the stuff!" claimed Gordon Burns, former host of The Krypton Factor and proud owner of the smallest head in show business, before a press conference.

Burns went on to explain that his super powers mirrored those tested by the show. "Intelligence, Observation, Response, Physical Agility and General Knowledge. Also, I have the ability to read hamsters' mind and operate coach air vents from up to 100 yards away. But they're nothing to do with the show."

The Krypton Factor disillusioned its fans in its final series, by turning crap and adding a crystal-maze style 'Super Round' at the end. Disappearing into obscurity (bar an appearance on BBC's Shooting Stars programme) for a few years, it has emerged that Burns was simply honing new super powers, to return one day (today, evidently) to fight evil one day.

Said Gordon: "I define evil as those who didn't like The Krypton Factor. I define good as those who liked The Krypton Factor. I will be fighting the forces of good and evil. I will use my powers of Intelligence, Observation and General Knowledge to assess who the fans and non-fans are in an emergency situation, and dispense help based on that."

The various Krypton Factor fanclub websites have reported record hits in the light of this announcement, as everyone tries to prove their love of 'the factor', as fans call it.

Shares in Kryptonite have similarly soared, as the London and New York stock exchanges reported.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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