Written by Blazing Saddle
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Monday, 15 June 2009

image for Simon Cowell to enter monastery
Simon Cowell (Posed by model)

The recent furore over Susan Boiled led Cowell to re-examine his values and with typical humility, he has decided to undertake monastic vows.

"I have been seeking a more spiritual lifestyle for some days" says Simon Cowell during a break from his That's Not Talent duties. "It will be good to be totally silent for the rest of my life."

He seemed not to hear my remark that the rest of the world might think so also!

Looking back at his career, Cowell notes. as he put it "without false modesty" that he has risen from a nobody to be the most influential person on the globe.

"Neslon Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Queen Elizabeth and many others have begged me to stay in the world" says Cowell, "but I am determined to go through with this".

Cowell's agents are negotiating with God to secure special terms. His stipulations include cashmere undershirts, 5-a-day, 10% of turnover, soft toilet tissue and kneepads.

It is not known what God thinks of the deal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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