Shock doubts are now being raised in many parts of the old British Empire about the possibility of Kerry Katona being a hoax. Areas of the world map that used to be coloured pink and where the sun never set, have been in secret multilateral talks for the past four years.
They have now released a shock joint statement that they are in more or less agreement that the whole Kerry Katona myth is just that and originated somewhere that was very cold - possibly Iceland. Shocking forged documents have emerged proving the non-existence of an experiment in the 1960's that used a very large forcefield in a remote part of Namibia to create Human Ectoplasm. This ectoplasm remained a shapeless and uncontrollable blob. The documents go on to explain how this was smuggled into the U.K. in a students backpack and subsequently released in "Central London".
It is presumed by some people who think they should be scientists, that the blob then returned to its natural chav state and linked up with the DNA of some wandering Essex tourists to create Kerris Katonis. Unlike most blobs this one was further enhanced by somehow getting into a deep freezer - giving more credence to the Iceland theory. Indeed a professor from Namibia who did not want to be named (Arthur Kazuma) said that many pregnant women often went to freezer centres to induce a quicker birth, and he felt the extoplasmic Kerris Katonis had probably done just that. Yes, he went on - that's why mums go to Iceland - to see hideous blobs morph themselves into overweight and overpaid z listers who then disappear just as quickly.
Sadly for all of us, this one has managed to remain about for years, constantly changing its shape from thin to enormous and back again with alarming regularity.
At the time of going to press no one we bothered to ask had any idea how long this would last.