As pop singer Michael Jackson's plastic surgery started to unravel itself, and as the unnatural chemicals made the star age visibly almost overnight, he revealed to the world's press that he was changing his name to 'Albert Steptoe'.
Albert Steptoe was, of course, part of a famous fictional father and son comedy duo in Britain, who ran their rag and bone business together, the father having revolting personal habits and the son being a bit of a romantic daydreamer.
'I have always wanted to turn into a disgusting old pervert', the singer squeaked from his doll's house in Nevada, 'with a mashed-up face and leery, pervy eyes, and I have. So now I'm calling myself Albert Steptoe. Got any little boys you don't want, guv? I'll give you a shilling for two of 'em.'
Jackson is planning to stage a special 'My Old Man's A Paedophile' show in London later this year, which will attract an audience of other disgusting, perverted old men, and the singer announced he was changing the titles of many of 'his' - all written by Quincy Jones - songs. 'Yes', he squeaked, 'here is the list of the songs I will be doing in London:'
''Stinkin' Dustbin', 'I Just Can't Stop Helping Myself To Old Fishbones', 'One Day In Your Stable', 'Don't Wanna Be Startin' The Washing', and 'Shaving's Out Of My Life.''
'Then, after a half hour break, while I look at lots of magazines full of pictures of little children, it'll be 'Smooth Wax Criminal', 'Billie Jean's Five Year-Old Boy', 'With A Child's Part', 'Blood On The Child's Bedroom Door', and 'Don't Stop Perving 'Til You Get Caught'.'
'I just hope the London people will take to me as that innocent, harmless child I really am, rather than the disgusting, sick little kiddie fiddler that plays with himself on stage that the big bad Bwitish press keep saying I am.' Actor Harry Corbett, who played Albert Steptoe's son Harold on screen, said: 'You dirty, disgusting, DIRTY old man!!!'
The UK Government for once correctly mirrored the entire British population's views, and advised Jackson to make up any excuse to avoid visiting London - 'For your own safety'.