Written by Khadija
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Topics: Davina McCall

Thursday, 4 June 2009

image for BB's Davina McCall : MILK, minger, old minger, deluded minger? You decide!
'Davina McCall coming out of make-up yesterday- looking stunning'

Delusional butterface and body Davina McCall, 49 will grace the nations screen yet again for the next twelve weeks on her programme Big hook Nose and Big Brother.

Unlike fellow ageing reality screen presence Amanda Holden, 41 who admittedly did once look hot. Davina McCall has never looked more than piggin' freezing.

However this has not stopped the hooked nosed Mr Punch look- a-like sashaying onto our screens selling hair products while wearing hair extensions and grinning at the screen with an expression so evil it would make lucifer himself defecate his satin red pants.

Under the notion she is hot Davina, refuses to leave the TV screens. She also refuses to get any better at whatever she gets paid to do.

Therefore advertising men have come up with a campaign to cash in on Davina's looks- by getting members of the audience to vote on "Why Davina believes she is remotely attractive to the human eye?"

Max Wifford (no relation) said yesterday "It will be a reality program within a reality program where a camera crew will follow Davina around performing her everyday duties, such as speaking like a five year old to the camera, resembling Beelzebub with hair extensions and frightening children at the seaside in her one woman 'Punch and Judy' show."

TV psychologist Robson Cracker said "Davina does suffer from the attractive delusion which has been seen in many TV mingers. It normally stems from loosing a lot of weight, the victim transfers people's interest in the weight loss into an inflated sense of being GORGEOUS- which they are clearly not".

"Anneka Rice and Ann Diamond had mild delusions of this disease in the eighties, but relentless TV coverage has spiralled Ms McCalls condition to an unprecedented dangerous level- her inflated sense of beauty is now on par with Jackie Stallone and 'Nellie Olsen' from 'Little House on the Prairie- - effin mingers the pair of them" he added.

"But we will try to fathom out why she refuses to accept she is to put it bluntly ' a dog,' and inexplicably seems to believe she is some form of Babe! It could be because she has developed a deterioration of eyesight, that many middle aged TV women do with weight loss. It makes them jump into bikinis and start comparing themselves to hot teenagers. Or it could be a more simple solution that Ms Davina McCall is effin mad and needs to spend time at the 'Priory'- the 'Mingers Wing'".

Other victims of the disease are the entire cast of 'Loose Women', 'Desperate Housewives' and the 'Sex in the City' dames'. However Davina is the worst case of delusional beauty we have seen since Roseanne Barr had the boob job and face lift in 1989" added Mr Robson Cracker.

Audience members will be allowed to vote on what they believe is at the cause of Ms MacCalls vanity, from three options; mingeyness, old mingeyness or deluded mingeyness. Phone votes will be taken through-out the fifty week run of Big Brother and 'Inside Davina's Head' netting someone £4 million.

The winner will get to star in a reality program of their own, which madness will be guaranteed- if the winner is not mentally ill or retarded already.

The winner of 'Davina's a Minger' - will also enjoy two delightful weeks of tabloid press intrusion - the gutter press will hound, lie, falsifying information and generally psychologically kick the winner repeatedly in the head until they don't know what day it is. Later the same journalists will send 'their victim' a bunch of flowers- once there is proof they are strapped in a strait jacket, foaming at the mouth and living in a padded cell.

In their worst moment of psychosis the luckly winner will follow Ms McCall around-like a begging dog; proclaiming her beauty and their love for the old, wrinkly, hook-nosed, battered eye-sore. She will respond by flicking her chocolate hair extensions and do that Satan grin of hers, which is what psychologists have now revealed is her delusional attempt at "a smouldering sexy stare".

Davina is known as a MILK (mother I like to kick)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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