Former Atomic Kitten songster Kerry Katona,12, will be replacing Susan Boyle on the forth-coming 'Britain's Got Talent Tour'.
Simon Cowell Prime Minister of Britain who was at Downing Street this morning shouting at Gordon Brown in a disapproving manner announced the new line-up.
Sir Simon Cowell told the waiting and dishonest press " It doesn't look like Boyle will be able to stand up in two weeks time - never mind sing. So I have taken the decision to replace her with the nutty media stalwart Kerry Katona. I did have the option of just throwing Jade Goody's Coffin on the stage, but after a few seconds people might get bored, so I plumped for Kerry Katona".
As King Simon Cowell left Downing Street Mr Gordon Brown threw his large idiotic carcass onto the floor and held tightly onto Mr Cowell's left ankle and was dragged along the floor by President Cowell who tried to shake the pudgy Scots from his leg. Waiting press people could hear Gordon whimper "Help me I don't know what to do?"
With that Mr Cowell laughed "It is like Susan Boyle all over again."
A reporter who had already made up his story, asked Mr Cowell why Kerry Katona had been chosen -to which he answered.
"She is a very messed up lady and she might end up gibbering, running across the stage in the nude with a rubber chicken in her hand and that is what the audience wants. After Hollie 'bless her little terrified face' Steel went all mad on stage and Susan went all mad off stage. It made me realise madness sells".
"I am also bringing back Jamie Pugh as he looks like he could lose the plot on stage. He of course will be singing a duet with Hollie Steel. I will be taking bets which one cracks first. They will be like 2 Grand, but the difference is ....they both can sing and cry really well."
Simon added "I will not rule out Susan Boyle making an appearance on the Live Tours. I can stick her in a strait-jacket on the side of the stage, even though she might not be able to formulate coherent words, this will enhance Katona's efforts . As hopefully Kerry will be stoned and medicated throughout the tour, which will give the British public a real treat".
The public has been foolishly writing to the media watchdog 'Fuckoffcom' in their droves, about the ruthlessness of the recent BGT. They will then have to wait seven months to be told via a patronising letter " Dear viewer all the contestants sign a contract selling their soul to the programme and they know what the FCUK they let themselves in for".
Simon is busy trying to make-up emotional and risqué back stories for 'Diversity' - in order to generate press interest in their currently ordinary, therefore boring lives.
Michael Jackson has expressed an interest in performing with 'Diversity' with a stipulation that anyone over the age of 12 better not show up.
This morning the press reported both Kerry Katona and Susan Boyle were psychological messes and they had nothing to do with the condition of both of these women.