It's been announced that Susan Boyle, the Scottish singing sensation who finished second in last weekend's Britain's Got Talent show, will next week embark upon her first nationwide tour - of Britain's mental institutions.
Boyle, 48, was the runner-up behind daft dance troupe Diversity on Saturday, but was philiosophical in defeat.
She told journalists:
"I HATE THIS SHOW!"
Susan has been under immense media pressure since first appearing on the show a month ago, and has had to deal with being hounded by unrelenting journalists, looking for a new angle to her amazing story.
They certainly got their story yesterday alright, when six burly policemen bundled her into the back of an unmarked white Ford Transit van, and climbed in after her. The vehicle shook for about fifteen minutes, before the smiling constables emerged fresh from their labours and re-arranged their helmets. The van then sped off.
Later, it was announced on the Ten O'Clock News that poor old Susan had learning difficulties, was 'as nutty as a fruitcake', and, as a 'special treat' from Simon Cowell, was setting off on her first UK tour. She is expected to appear at Rampton next week.