LONDON, U.K. - The Nightly Mirror has obtained an exclusive photo indicating its owner may very well be the man with the world's largest penis, though an official measurement has not yet been taken. The person in the photo? Piers Morgan!
The astounding image was submitted to the Nightly Mirror by an anonymous source who worked there during Morgan's tenure as editor. She claims she was "romantically involved" with Morgan, but that he began a second affair with Amanda Holden shortly before he quit in 2004, so they unceremoniously split up shortly thereafter.
Though the slightly blurry but apparently un-doctored photo does not show the face of the penis' owner, its submitter indicated Amanda Holden should be able to confirm Morgan as the particularly well-endowed gentleman pictured. She also stated her belief that Holden's child, having been conceived in April 2005, is probably Morgan's!
When paparazzi confronted Holden with questions concerning these claims and presented her with the photo, she bowed her head, covering her eyes with one hand, and began slowly shaking her head as if to say, "No, no, no," or perhaps, "Oh, my dear God, no. Why this? Why now?? Oh, GAAAWWD!!"
While Holden did confirm the new contender for the world's largest penis in the photo does belong to Piers Morgan, she refused to comment on whether or not her daughter might be his as well.
Morgan could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly somewhere in the West Lothian area, in a barn full of equally well-endowed horses, with Simon Cowell, giving "EweTube sensation" Susan Boyle a bit of the old double in/out as a consolation prize for coming in second on Britain's Got Susan Boyle.
Nevertheless, the folks at the Nightly Mirror say they are betting Morgan and Holden were indeed "wild at heart," and that he gave her "the performance of his life." Or possibly hers. Furthermore...
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