Written by Sam the Spoon
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Topics: Criminal

Wednesday, 20 March 2002

It was another hot December's day, and I'd had all but loaded the Station Wagon when to my suprise I found a Man sleeping in the backseat. I ran inside my 2-bedroom home, dashed through the kitchen, and decided to take my mind off of what I had seen with a refreshing jumping jack or two in the shower. However, as I walked into the room and smelled the hideous smell of Raw Eggplant served with a twist, it hit me. There was a mysterious man in the Tub.

This was too much. I pulled the phone out of my pouch and dialed 912. Nothing happened so I tried again and dialed 911. A voice appeared on the end of the line. "911, what is your Emergency?" It asked.

I spilled the beans to the dispatcher, and after cleaning the beans up, I explained to her why I called. Two people, one in my car, and the other in my bathtub suddenly appeared. She told me that they would send the police over as soon as possible.

When the police arrived, they stepped out of the squad cars and approached me, asking again to explain the situation. I refused, and bolted up the stairs. The pigs were hot on my trail now. I only had two decisions. To surrender my life and valubles to the two armed soldiers in blue who were approaching, or trust my skills of fanciful footwork to penetrate their defenses and steal their car.

I made my decision and rushed down the steps to face my antagonists. The two mysterious men had also come out of the tub and my car, and were standing alongside the police. The smaller one tried to tell me that he was my son, and that the man in the tub was my brother, and to "Settle Down". How could I settle down during a crisis like this?

Like a violent sack of potatoes I slammed into the child with full force, knocking him against the wall. The cops hesitantly approached and asked me to relieve myself of the brass knuckles I was wearing.

"Nice try, Dirtbags", as I left the officer with a kick to the ribs. I jumped through the open window and climbed into the squad car. This would be a piece of cake, I'd seen it all the time in movies. I put the car into gear and drove all the way to Las Vegas, where I began my career as a blackjack dealer. Before he left this Material plane, the great Doctor Suess left us with these words of wisdom. "I do not like Green Eggs and Ham." More fitting to this story however, to quote the Doctor, "Oh the Places we Will Go."

HA HA!! I can still see the look in that cop's eye as I pulled away, his partner defeated. Yes children, it was I. And the next day, that big blue walrus and I went forth to save Spring Break.

The End.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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