Written by Kilroy
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Friday, 29 May 2009

image for LOST Script Found on eBay
That explains everything!

A script purporting to be the final episode of LOST is being auctioned on Ebay for $1,000,000, leading many to doubt its authenticity. The seller, going by the pseudonym of Jacob, claims to have been one of the original writers and the chief architect of the entire convoluted plotline.

In response to numerous email inquiries into the nature of the manuscript, "Jacob" claims that the original storyline was intended to be a mini-series lasting only a single season. "Once we figured out what a goddamned goldmine we had, we decided to stretch it all out a few more years," said the elusive Jacob. But, after allegedly clashing with producer JJ Abrams over the schitzophrenic drift of the show, Jacob was unceremoniously dismissed by the show's resident Smoke Monster and, "replaced with morons".

Apparently, the original finale was lost and forgotten altogether as the possibility of the series lasting 20 or 30 years put the brakes on the momentum. But last year, even ABC finally got bored and told them, "Wrap up this viral vehicle for mass confusion and end it in 2010!" Abrams beamed up to the Enterprise, leaving writers Lindelof and Cuse scrambling to locate the original ending. "And all I left them was a piece of tapestry, some fish jerky and a used bong," said Jacob, laughing manically. "I've got your ending right here...and it can be YOURS...if the price is right!"

Jacob was hesitant to put specific spoilers into his eBay description, but was ever so willing to provide a few "teasers" to entice would be bidders out there, and maybe drive up the price. Still, there's no guarantee that the teasers have any more relevance to the plot than many of the previous "flashbacks" the show is notorious for. "Clue or red herring? It'll cost you to see," Jacob chuckled, shoving fish-sticks into his mouth. "And if you're not 100% satisfied...absolutely NO MONEY BACK! HA!" While that kind of attitude can get you killed, a few of the plot-point teasers included:

1) Locke turns out to actually be the "good guy" but like most good guys, he just can't lose that "dead man smell". Meanwhile, Ben continues to criticize everything Locke does while claiming only he has kept the Island safe for the past 12 years.

2) Widmore returns to the Island, starts a radio station and becomes a political pundit relentlessly defining who's an "Other" and who's not. Richard is considered too moderate to be an "Other" and is thus banished from the Others. However, Widmore's judgement is cast into doubt soon after he is discovered canoodling a coconut.

3) Sayid starts a war with Hydra Island, thinking they have a giant Hydra over there, which can technically be termed a WMD. After finding only giant piles of polar bear crap, Sayid returns to the main Island to kill his critics.

Granted, all that seems kind of made up. But, an independent document appraiser claims to have examined the document and declares it authentic. However, being a disillusioned LOST fan, he apparently had no compulsion against revealing the entire final, gut-wrenching scene on his Blog, TAWERET MY ASS!

"I think people have the right to know what they're investing in," he laid it all out just before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

The final scene will start with an opening eye. The camera pans around to show the same identical destruction in the aftermath of the crash of flight Oceanic 815. The camera pulls back and you see David Duchovny from the X-Files on the ground. His eyes focus straight up and the camera swings to show...The Cigarette Smoking Man standing over him. "See," he says, "I told you there were aliens..."

He blows a cloud of cigarette smoke towards the camera and the LOST logo superimposes over it, followed by a trailer and voice over by Chris Carter:

"Appearing in theaters in 2012: 'Honey I LOST, the X-Files'. Now, we can tie up TWO loose ends in one movie!".

Make Kilroy's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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