Written by Khadija
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Thursday, 28 May 2009

image for Britains Got Talent- Amanda Holden is a fake and sniffs onions to make her cry!
Amanda uses concentrated onion drops to cry in emergencies say insiders.

On the penultimate semi-final Amanda Holden, 43 age and 43 Botox injections was caught cutting up onions under her desk to evoke tears. An inside source said this is due to botox rendering her tear ducts redundant, but mainly because she is a heartless cow incapable of affection.

As the lovely duo '2 Grand' sang a warming song about emotions and love and things that make us feel warm inside. Audience members gasped as Amanda 67, chopped up twelve dozen onions -off camera- underneath her judges desk with a butter knife. Simon also did a bit of acting pretending not to know the names of the grand-father and grand-daughter duo and referred to them as 'Stan and Ollie'.

Mrs Gladys Buttercup 13, said " The audience at home saw tears streaming down that Amanda's face, but she was hacking at these onions like the Swedish Chef from the muppets. She also asked Simon two poke her in the eyes with a felt tip pen and when he refused she rubbed a chilli pepper onto her corneas. When the camera filmed her ......Bingo......real tears."

All the acts were of the usual BGT standard Tippy Toes the dog surprising the judges by performing an amusing rendition of Mr Pastry and singing a pitch perfect version of George Formby's 'Leaning on the Lamp-post'complete with ukulele. Simon said " This is the best act ever and if you don't win the final Mr Tippy Toes -Amanda Holden is a bitch!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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