London - (Cellulite Barrage Baloon-of-an-Arse Mess): Susan Boyle's one million dollar nude centerfold Layboy! magazine contract is up in the air after porn industry accountants poured scorn on her ability to pull Simon Cowell in time, er.... pull off the top prize! in this weekend's Britain's Clot Talent grand finale.
Boyle, 69, has been promised the chance to pose naked as long as she wins Saturday's competition.
A gruelling five hour Brazilian marathon this week saw waxing salon technicians remove twenty kilos of pubic matting in preparation for the classic split beaver shot.
The singer's legs, chest, face, boobs and palms were also depilated before Boyle pronounced herself camera-ready.
Coming second place on Saturday will surely scupper all chances of Boyle's very own take as the newest Anna Nicole Smith sensation.