Written by Khadija
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Tuesday, 26 May 2009

image for Britain's Got Talent - makes kids cry and is cruel to child contestants says watchdog
Simon will award a prize to the best child tears of the competition - who will win ?

A children's watchdog charity has slammed 'Britain's Got Talent', due to the cruelty inflicted onto the younger contestants and Jamie Pugh - due to Amanda Holden.

Valerie Doolittle said " I am becoming more and more distressed with seeing children crying on this show. First of all there was little Natalie and on the third semi-final MD Showgroup, the kiddy half of Stavros Flatley and cherubic Shaheen were all bawling their tiny little eyes out. When will this torture stop? Kids today are not like the kids in the fifties, sixties, seventies -who were too busy being glum and avoiding perverts and Communists to care about emotions. This show is the twenty-first century equivalent of sending kiddies up the chimney or making them sell matches in the street, while they die of starvation in the gutter. It just has to stop".

Simon Dowell , 23 inside leg measurement- defended the inclusion of kids on his show. "When I was young, kids were always involved in entertainment and nothing has ever happened to them. We had Lena Zavaroni, Michael Jackson, Leif Garrett, Dana Plato, Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Danny Bonaduce, Judy Garland, Robert Blake and my personal favourite Bobby Driscoll. Subjecting kids to public scrutiny and ruthless competition - dashing their hopes and dreams in FULL view of the world is character building. All the contestants will remember their experiences with fond memories - as all adults remember their childhood this way".

Mrs Doolittle dismissed Simon's views as the 'bullshit of a money -grabbing madman' and she expressed her desire to 'do him over'. Mrs Doolittle added "We still have Hollie Steel, Aidan Davis, Callum Francis and the kids from 'Two Grand' and 'Good Evans' to come. How many young eyes have to shed water before someone stops the bloodshed....Oh the humanity".

The BGT spokesperson who is no older than the youngest member of Good Evans and slightly older than Connie Talbot said:

"The kids know da score when they come 'ere. They are all as hard as nails underneath...that Hollie Steel got a heart of steel. Kick your bleedin teeth out she would- a right proper head case. As for the two girls in 'Good Evans' like a couple of pitbulls. I saw that young Natalie girl and Callum Francis batter the crap out of a few Skinheads that were loitering outside the studio. Everyone of our kidz is an 'ard-case. There aint no exploitation going on 'ere"

As a compromise Simon has agreed to award a prize of a £1000 for best 'child tears' on the final show. The winner will be judged on volume of water from the eyes, crushed or guilty looks, rambling whilst crying, redness of eyes and the ability to set other people off.

Amanda Holden , 45 has been banned from entering the competition because she is a miserable old fart, who is only able to produce crocodile tears and snot bubbles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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