Since singing was first invented, by a drunken Scotsman in Arbroath in the 1300s, it worked by human beings taking deep breaths, then using their voices to speak loudly in a way that is very pleasant to listen to. Until fellow Scotsperson Susan Boil appeared this year.
'Singing needed upgrading in the 21st century', the non-singer said, 'it was making people like me who can't sing facing prejudice. Real singers were making all the money and getting all the fame, it just wasnae fair. All people that can vaguely sing, even if it sounds like nails being dragged down a blackboard, are now allowed to become famous. Just ask Sporty Spice.'
Some have wondered what the point is of people who can't sing appearing on television and radio to not sing, as you might as well have the Pope or his friend Adolf Hitler in the charts, or a seagull with a bad case of laryngitis, but Susan Boil disagreed.
'Come awn, what else is there nowadays on TV and the radio? The Jonathan Piss Show, or Dale Limp-one, or rap crap? Shite like me fills in the gaps between the handful of talented singers that appear in the charts, real music lovers don't listen to the radio any more. They listen to CDs.'
Famous artist American Andy Warhol said from New York City: 'I predicted that everyone would be famous for ten minutes in the future. With Susan Boil it's gone down to three minutes, two seconds.' Ear plugs at £0-99 are available at Ardross.