Michael Jackson today announced that he would definitely cancel his forthcoming tour unless everyone in Britain agreed to stop calling him mad.
The 44 year old musician told press this afternoon that: "It hurts. It really does. Yes, I'm a little different. I had a difficult childhood and my skin turned white overnight and my nose turned to plastic one day when I wasn't looking and children seem to find me irresistibly attractive but I'm just a man. That's all. I bleed when I'm cut just like Jesus did."
Jackson spoke to the press conference from a wheelchair inside an oxygen tent whilst dressed in a velvet dressing gown and facemask.
His publicist then told press: "Stop making false accusations of weirdness. Michael is a wonderful, amazing man who can sing high pitched and grab his own crotch at the same time. Just give the guy a break. If people are mean to him, then no tour! You hear me?!"
Fans were dismayed at the news. One fan, 31 year old laundrette manager Karen Sikes told this reporter: "You see what you've done? Michael… one of the world's greatest entertainers won't even perform now because of people like you picking on him! I love Michael, I've travelled round the world to see him perform, I'd kill for him, I'd gladly give my own life just to touch his white gloved hand. How dare people say that Michael is weird? I'm much weirder than Michael. Most of his fans are and yet it's him that picks up the flak. Just let him be himself. If he wants to invite children round for sleepover or spend all his vast fortune on tacky antiques that's his business and nobody else's!"
This reporter would like to apologise to Mr Jackson for any wrong things we may have said or any allegations we may have made in the past.
We will let Michael have the last say on the matter: "I sometimes feel like a little Pixie, perched on the edge of an enormous flower just watching the raindrops gently fall as little orphans dance at my feet and trained monkeys feed me grapes as if I'm Julian Caesar. Ye-heeee!!!"