Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Wednesday, 20 May 2009

image for William Shatner spotted at the new "Star Trek" movie dressed as Capt. James T. Kirk
The "New" "Star Trek" movie bravely going where we all have been before

Hollywood, California - Taking over the movie projector room, William Shatner pulled the film reel of the new "Star Trek" movie out from the projector and onto the floor, leaving the silver screen blank with only the blaring white light on it as moviegoers turned to look up back at the projectionist trying to see what was going on.

"At first, he [William Shatner] put on an entertaining shadow puppet show using his hands to calm us down, even making the Vulcan live long and prosper hand sign," said Wynona Thompson, 'Star Trek' moviegoer turn hostage. "Everybody in the theater sighed and clapped in delight. Until he gave us the bird, saying over the THX sound system: 'You want your live long and prosper? I got your live long and prosper right here!"

Ushers attempted to calmly escort the panicking horde of movie goers out of the movie theater, but Shatner blocked all the exists trapping everyone inside. Later, police determined Shatner had an accomplice. Perhaps a disgruntled extra that was killed off in the first five minutes of the airing of an original episode in the 1960s, police believe.

Meanwhile, back up in the projector room, while waiting for the police to arrive, the theater manager with a couple of ushers were busy attempting to reclaim control of the projection room by ramming open the door, as Shatner treated the captive audience below to homemade behind the scene movies taken on the set of the original 'Star Trek' TV series with all the original cast members casually talking amongst themselves, rehearsing in costume and pulling practical jokes on each other.

"You see," said Shatner with a reflective tone in his voice that could still be heard above the din of the ramming of the projection room door. "I thought we all were a team. That everybody more than just got along with each other, but that we all loved each other, too. That...do I dare say it openly and in public? Yes. I dare...that we were all family god damn it!"

"Excuse me Mr. Shatner," came a voice up from the audience in the dark. "I have a question sir."

"Oh, a question. I didn't realize we were taking questions. But good ahead disembodied voice from the darken theater. What's your question," said Shatner as he braced the projector room door with heavy equipment.

"Weren't you the one that first broke up the team?" said the voice from the audience.

"Ah, yes," said Shatner as he projected still photo images of Spock onto the movie screen with devil's horns, thin mustaches and pirate eye patches penciled on them. "You are referring to that movie I did with the 'Next Generation Star Trek' folks. Well, you see that didn't really count because -"

Suddenly, the constant pounding at the project room door stopped as a struggle could be heard just outside in the corridor.

"Open the door Captain Kirk...ah, I mean Mr. Shatner," said a nervous and cracking voice from the opposite side of the door. "It's us your true fans. We're here to rescue you. My mom's down stairs waiting for us in her car."

As Shatner opened the door a herd of nerds dressed as a Stormtroopers rushed into the projection room with blasters in hand.

"Stormtroopers?" said a very surprised Shatner. "Why are you all dressed as Stormtroopers? Are you boys sure you're crashing the right party?"

"We were at a 'Star Wars' convention down the street when he heard you were in trouble over the police scanner," said one nerd with an orange patch on his shoulder, denoting the privilege of rank. "But we can talk about that later in my basement. First, we got to get you out of here before a S.W.A.T. team gets into position."

As the Stormtrooper cautiously peeked out of the projection room with a bewildered looking Shatner in tow, red laser sniper targeting beams could be seen sweeping the corridor.

"It's too late," said one Stormtrooper to the others. "They're already here. Delta formation with the client center front."

"Okay, everybody set your blasters to kill," ordered the Stormtrooper with the orange commanding sash.

"Are those real guns?" asked Shatner.

"No. Mr. Shatner," replied another Stormtrooper. "These aren't mere armaments based on a chemical reaction of black gun powder and a firing pin. These babies are fully operational class five industrial lasers each powered by its own fusion reactor ingeniously disguised as the butt of the riffle for optimal balance and minimal recoil."

"I must be dreaming," said Shatner to himself. "I must be having a really bad dream."

"I assure you Mr. Shatner you appear to me to be completely lucent and in control of your faculties and motor skills," said another Stormtrooper.

"Yeah, I was afraid of that," said Shatner. "I need a good stiff drink."

As the alarm at Shatner's bedside rang, he arose with a hangover but still let out a sigh of relief that he awoken from a bad dream. Only to realize as he rubbed his bloodshot eyes that he was not in his own bed or home.

"Oh boy," said Shatner to himself. "I must have really tied one on last night."

Looking around the bedroom he realized he was in someone's basement with the walls adorned with movie posters from both the 'Star Wars' and 'Star Trek' movies. Placing his feet on the floor he felt something sharp stick his foot. Looking down, there before him lay action figures from both Sci-Fi series still in their original packaging meticulously arranged in a circle on the floor around the bed he was asleep on.

"Good morning Captain Kirk...ah, I mean Mr. Shatner. No wait. I prefer Captain James Tiberius Kirk," said the same familiar nervous and cracking voice from the other side of the projection door, but now it came over an intercom system. "Welcome to my little menagerie."

"Oh no," said Shatner. "Not again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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