Written by matwil
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Topics: Jimmy Saville

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

image for Jim'll Fix It returns
'Jim fixed it for us to ignore all the frauds at Parliament'

'Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for my house, car, holidays, food and travelling costs to be paid for by the Government? Michael McMartin, Sighthill, Glasgow, aged 23.'

'Now then, now then, young master McMartin, it's not strictly legal to do all that. Maybe you should become a local councillor, then you'll be laughing.'

'Here's another letter, guys and gals. 'Dear Jim, Can I stop making people throw up at my insincere, nauseating, slimy way of speaking? Gordon Boron. 8.' Can't fix that one either, sorry.'

'Dear Jimmy, My gran lives off the state pension, can't afford to heat her house or eat properly, and would like some of the money Hazel Blearies has stolen from the government. David Cameron. 14.' 'Well, we got on to the government about David's grannie, and this is what happened ...'

[Camera shows Jim and his team jogging into the House of Commons, to speak to Ms. Blearies]

'Now then, young Hazel', says Jimmy, 'we've come to ask you to give some of the money you stole from the taxpayer to David Cameron's grandmother.'

'But I broke no rules by stealing it', she answered, 'and I've looked more and more ridiculous saying that, especially as I've generously offered to pay back only a fraction of what I've stolen over the years to the authorities.'

'But 'Azel, you spend more on hair dye every week than David's grannie does on food.' 'Bugger off, you annoying Yorkie prat!', and with that Salford's most famous and least-wanted daughter stormed into the nearest broom cupboard.

'So that were 'ow it ended', Sir Jimmy said, 'and I became reduced to doing endless marathon runs in the name of raising money for impoverished Labour MPs.'

[Credits roll, as music plays out the programme -

'Got expenses forms that need to be filled?
Need a peerage after being grilled?
Hope that the Fraud Squad isn't strong-willed?
Jim will fix it for you

Need another meal at the Ritz?
Think that Parliament is now the pits?
Wonder why people elect such gits?
Jim will fix it for you, and you and you and you ... but not you, Hazel ...']

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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