Written by matwil
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Monday, 11 May 2009

image for Parliament in soap award triumph
'Squeaky Clean' Den

'The House of Commons' has scooped the top honour at the British Soap Awards, receiving a Lifetime Achievement award for their classic Christmas special episode, when its leading female character, Hazel Windsor, saw her second husband hiring pornographic films to watch in his brother's empty government-paid million pound flat, while writing letters to his MP urging him to 'waste all my taxes on MPs wining and dining, and on illegal colonial wars to grovel to America.'

The episode received the highest rating in British soap opera history, and actress Jacquie Brown, who plays Windsor, said tearfully: 'Thank you, darlings, thank you! We couldn't have done it without the British public, who have send all those millions of pounds to us to pay for our fictional lives of endless foreign holidays, second homes, chauffeur-driven cars, even cleaning staff and dog food. Of course real life isn't like that, is it, David?'

And her co-star, David Daveron, who plays 'Squeaky Clean' Den in the soap, got off his solar-powered bicycle long enough to add: 'No way, what what. You know, I'm such a nice chappy in real life, riding my bike and eating freetrade beetroot, and singing hymns as I stop to help old ladies to their post offices to cash their pensions, it's hard to believe the character I play.'

'Despite sounding so respectable and decent, Den is a ruthless right-winger, backed by big business and iffy Eurofascists, and represents people who nearly destroyed the United Kingdom in 18 years of power. Not to mention the endless corruption and sleaze that went with it all. So it's all make-believe stuff, I'm really just a middle-class twit that sounds like a 10 year-old boy in real life.'

Other awards given included Best Ham Actor In Resignation Speech, won by Anthony Blair, Most Blatant Closet Case, Gordon Brown, Silliest Hairdo, which of course went to Alastair Darling, and Best And Most Ridiculous Story Line, which went to Jackie Smith.

That actress played the part of an intelligent and astute politician that doesn't realise what she's using her own credit card for, or signing for, and then blames her poor husband for what she's bought, which turned out to be two episodes of 'Emmerdale Animal Farm'.

Longest Interview Without Really Saying Anything also went to David Daveron, Best Portrayal Of A Reptile went to Gordon Brown, breaking Ken Livingstone's record ten years of winning it, and Best Idiotic American Guest Star was again jointly awarded to Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Jimmy 'Five Toothies' Carter.

Next week sees the popular XPNSES awards, where the public vote for their favourite expenses claims made by politicans. Second Holmes is widely expected to scoop the coveted Keeps The Royal Bank Out Of The News gong, while Char Lady and R.I.P Socialism are joint favourites to win the Even Labour P.M.s Are At It award.

But there will be hot competition for the Don't Mention The Billions Of British Taxes Spent Fighting Illegal Wars In The Middle East one, and there may in fact be no actual winner of it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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