Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Monday, 4 May 2009

image for DePalma to shoot Carrie Prejean in "Carrie: Reloaded" also staring Perez Hilton
Perez Hilton is about to learn if Shakespeare was right about a woman scorned

Hollywood, California - Famous movie director, Brian DePlama, has just signed a deal with an independent film production company to remake his classic teenage horror film from the '70s: "Carrie". Roles originally played by Sissy Spacek and John Travilta, however, will now go to celebrity blogg gossiper, Perez Hilton, and Miss California, Carrie Prejean. DePlama is calling it: "Carrie: Reloaded".

DePalma, like most people in America, got the idea for a 'Carrie' movie makeover while watching Miss California on the Miss USA beauty pageant get "served" by contestant judge, Perez Hilton, when he asked her his loaded same-sex marriage question, costing her the crown.

"Yeah," said one Miss USA viewer. "I thought there was something familiar about that scene. The only thing that was missing was the pigs blood pouring down on Miss California's head and evening gown."

"Then, when I heard that Carrie Prejean joined a conservative group that opposes same-sex marriage, the movie title and script practically wrote itself," said DePalma.

However, unlike the original film, "Carrie", the new Carrie character in "Carrie: Reloaded" does not possess telekinetic powers to vanquish her opposition by locking all the doors in the high school gym during the prom dance, setting the whole place on fire, burning her enemies to death in a self-gratifying, self-righteous funeral pyre of revenge.

"No, but I did write a treatment that was quite similar," said DePlama. "I had Miss California shooting lightening bolts from her eyes at the judges that didn't vote for her and then chuck a giant fiery beach ball to booing members of the audience."

Nor has DePlama have Miss California debase herself by berating people on a blogg simply because they hold an opposing opinion to hers, mocking them unopposed under a rainbow banner bleeding only the colors of tolerance.

Rather like Carrie Prejean, the new 'Carrie' in "Carrie: Reloaded" stands in sharp contrast, retaining a social grace about her, some say even poise; appearing as an individual in control of her faculties, all while under fire.

"That's because the new 'Carrie' character is empowered by her new found martyred status. Again thanks to Perez Hilton," said DePalma.

DePlama believes that America has matured beyond the simple horror thriller format that the original "Carrie" has to offer, or the public browbeating for that matter. And that it is ready for a political/action thriller now, especially after the past eight years of intimidation the country has been through.

"I'm willing to bet my entire career as a film maker, years of hard work and risk reprisals from the extreme left for sticking out my neck in saying that Perez Hilton acted like a little prick the way he lashed out at Miss California," said DePlama. "And I'm further willing to bet that most Americans feel the same way, their personal feeling about same-sex marriage aside."

DePlama says that he believes American is tired of the "Either you're with me or against me" polarizing philosophy the previous administration posited.

"They want more of the 'Can't we all just get along' philosophy," said DePlama. "And I think making 'Carrie: Reloaded' as a political/action thriller as opposed to a horror flick can deliver that to the viewing audience in an informative and yet still entertaining manner. I just hope I don't get eight balled by Hollywood in the process, losing my job."

According to Stephen King, author of the book "Carrie" that the original movie of the same name and its sequel are based upon, there is only one thing more frightening than a shy homely looking teenaged girl with a hormonal imbalance in possession of incredible telekinetic powers being teased and picked on by a bully. And that is a woman scorned that also happens to be a brave articulate beauty queen with a following who uses her head on her shoulders for more than just a crown, but to speak her mind, unafraid and no matter how unpopular hers views and whatever the consequences.

"In many ways, the new 'Carrie' character is far more dangerous and frightening than the original one I imagined," continued King, "Wow! Joining a political group to voice your opposition to your opponent's position, all in an organized and peaceful manner. I wish I had thought of that. Then I wouldn't have had 'Carrie' go all Columbine, killing all her classmates and mother before imploding her house and dispatching her to hell."

Despite the derogatory comments against Miss California, however, defenders of Perez Hilton deny he is being divisive and counter productive to Gay Rights Movement, dismissing the backlash as simply reactionary, bigoted and typical mouth breathing homophobic drivel.

"They're just changing the argument into a free speech one," said a Hilton supporter, dressed up as a Catholic Nun wearing a white habit at a protest rally, yelling into a news camera. "I bet you'd support Hitler's right to free speech, wouldn't you? Shouldn't you be in church asking yourself, 'What would Jesus do?' instead?"

Although not a single reel of DePalma's "Carrie: Reloaded" movie has been shot, censors are already threatening to give it an 'R' rating to discourage people form seeing it, limiting its financial impact at the box-office.

"It's too much like Mel Gibson's movie, 'The Passion," explained a censor. "Not because it's too violent, but because the storyline is politically incorrect and the content too expressive of a free and dissenting opinion based on articles of faith, belong to a well known widely accepted organized religion we don't particularly care for."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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