Celebrities are to be made more efficient, and finally receive the investment they deserve when plans to fund them with private finance are unveiled by the Briton Party this week.
A number of different concepts are being toyed with. They are as follows:
By selling off our celebrities to organisations such as newspapers, ribbon cutters and circus freak show vendors, massive savings will be made. All celebrity upkeep costs will be provided for, including food, water, heroin and rehabilitation. Although super-models can swap food for failed recording contracts.
2) Public-Private Partnership
A very popular scheme with Labour supporting celebrity Thatcherites, Geri Halliwell has already voiced her support. PPP will mean that the celebs will have their private-life publicly-owned. Massive media intrusion to satisfy the 21st century gawp-culture.
3) Maintain the Status Quo?
Nah, just stick them on Radio 2. Pilot schemes have already been mildly successful. All of us remember "Celebrity Big Brother" and the success that arose from making the great and good public property for a couple of weeks. Imagine if Britain could be the first country to entirely privatise its celebs in such a way?
Although, questions have been raised about what it would do to the mental state of Vanessa Feltz, and Britain's "Mad-Cow Disease Free" status.