LOS ANGELES - To the astonishment of his friends and family, Ben Affleck announced today that he was not, in fact, an actor, or even a person. "I'm really just one of Jennifer Lopez's biggest farts," he confessed rather sheepishly.
Affleck said that he has no memories previous to his relationship with Lopez, and his very first memory was "feeling like a mighty wind, kind of. I got this vibratey feeling, then I felt like I was escaping from some kind of dark prison. Jennifer told me later that she'd been eating cabbage that day."
Affleck's friends are baffled. Matt Damon said, "The guy never did smell quite right, but honestly, I had no idea. I mean, he scored with the chicks, and you gotta have something going on for that. But now that I think about it, they were mostly hookers, and those chicks...they'll do anything, you know what I'm saying?"
Affleck says he had to give up smoking three years ago when he partially ignited and set a motel room on fire. He also steers clear of barbecue grills and power tools, "cause those things throw out some nasty sparks."
He vows that the revelation will not slow his movie career. "It's already dead in its tracks, isn't it? How can it get any slower than that?"
Lopez, on vacation with her latest boyfriend, was not available for comment.