Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Star Wars, torture

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

image for George Lucas releases another 'Star Wars' movie: "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (Torture and Rendition Edition)"
Death Star deactivated by info gained by torturing Darth Vader. What's so wrong with that?

Hollywood, California

In the new digitally enhanced reedited version, the Rebel Alliance captures and boards an Imperial Star Destroyer, taking Darth Vader hostage. Later at the location of their secret base somewhere in the Outer Rim, outside the judicial jurisdiction of the President of the Alliance, Mon Mothma, they torture Vader, extracting valuable information, saving many Bothan lives.

"Given the public debate that's going on in the country right now about torture [the utility arguments for it vs. the morality arguments against it], I decided to make the Star Wars I really wanted to make, but I couldn't because of community standards at the time," explained George Lucas.

During the visibly excessively gory "interrogation" of Vader conducted by Princess Leia Organa and Luke Skywalker, the Rebels not only learn a deep dark family secret, which is backed up by a DNA test but more importantly, they learn of the existence of an on/off switch to the Death Star, that permanently disables it, safely from a remote location. Accessing that on/off switch from clear across the vastness of the galaxy, a destructive conflict is averted and loss of life prevented on both sides.

"Of course, the Rebel Alliance is victorious over the Emperor Palpatine, due in part to the information it gained by torturing Darth Vader," says Mr. Lucas.

However, like the Fourth Republic of France (and Fifth Republic threatened), the New Republic eventually collapses after its victory under the weight of the torture controversy.

"And that's the point I'm trying to make with this, my latest version of 'Star Wars," said Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Lucas hopes, however, that his anti-torture message will be lost on the audience much like his warning in 'Star Wars' Episodes I, II and III against giving into your fears by surrendering your liberties for security or by voting for a popular fascist politician like Senator Palpatine.

"Hopefully the scene of Darth Vader being tortured by Leia and Luke, which are all done using the latest CGI, will be enough to hold the audiences attention this time around, especially since there's nothing being blown up," said Mr. Lucas. "The audience may have mixed emotions at having to cheer for a torturer for a hero, but hey, I got them to cheer for Darth Vader as a kid, right?"

Mr. Lucas also says he is not leaving anything to chance and has doubled the number amputations and falling down a pit scenes, too.

"Impressive," said one 'Star Wars' fan dressed up as a Storm Trooper who attended an advanced private screening of the latest 'Star Wars' re-release.

"Most impressive," said another dressed as Darth Vader.

"I don't know who was really being tortured. Darth Vader, up on the silver screen, or the members of the audience," said an usher who helped pull theater patrons out of their seats who were too weak to walk out on their own power, visibly suffering the physical effects of having seen one too many 'Star Wars' movies.

"I know people are beginning to talk," said Mr. Lucas. "Saying that I don't know how to make anything but a yet another remake of a 'Star Wars' movie. That's why my next film has nothing to do with outer space. It's an entirely a new movie. Unlike anything I've ever made before. I call it, 'The Modesto County Car Club THX-1099 Blues."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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