St John's Wood, London - Kate Moss has expressed grave concern that her public notoriety is slipping, after not having being involved in any kind of scandal for almost 12 months.
Moss, 34, has revealed it has been a gradual downhill slide since the Great Cocaine Scandal of 2005. Shortly after the GC scandal followed more scandals with then boyfriend Pete Docherty. But since Docherty and Moss split for good, not much interesting has been happening in Moss's life.
Moss has confessed that she is planning a suicide and then returning from the dead in an attempt boost publicity. "I was thinking about an overdose of cocaine" said Moss in a serious voice "or something like that - you know, something daring and glamorous and SO Hollywood. Or what about Valium, Prozac and Cilit Bang all mixed together in an exotic cocktail? What do you think of that? I'm just not keen on jumping off a bridge - it's messy and quite frankly, a bit dodgy. And then there's death by gun shot, but can you imagine the state of me if I returned from my death with a bullet wound to my head? Burberry would cancel my modelling contract forever!"
Moss confesses that she is looking forward to the time off and meeting Elvis Presley while she's in heaven. "Burberry are supplying my outfit for the occasion and of course my make-up, which is all Rimmel, is being done by cousin Kathy who owns a hair dressing salon."
The suicide/return from death scandal is planned for early October. OK magazine have purchased exclusive rights of the event for £1 million.
"That ought to keep me in the public eye for at least another three years" added Kate "God help me - it's my last chance!"