Written by Earnest A. Peal
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Thursday, 23 April 2009

image for Boyle: Don't miss the point of kissing!
After offering to manage Britney, publicity hound Piers Morgan is on the lookout to connect his name with someone new.

Susan Boyle, after a week in which she received several offers of a first kiss and gave "no comment" about whether she had yet received one, has finally spoken.

"Aren't people missing the point of kissing? If I wanted to be kissed so badly I could be like Minister of Parliament Nigel Griffiths, and have wild escapades with photography and alcohol, though, of course, I'd have to pay for it."

"There's not much point in being kissed if there's no romance and love behind it," said Boyle.

Many less-than-attractive men were disappointed by her comment, as they had hoped a trend of kissing the ugly would develop.

"With some encouragement, this might develop into attractive women offering a 'sympathy fuck' to guys like me," said Brent Dibble, 37, of Stowe-on-Trent, an unmarried part-time worker who spends his free time collecting game-related trading cards.

Miss Boyle said she has accepted being single, though she wouldn't rule out eventual marriage.

Famous publicity hounds who have tried to hitch their wagon to a star by publicly offering Boyle a kiss include BGT judge Piers Morgan, Larry King and Drew Barrymore, while the not-famous who have offered to kiss her include neighbor Phil Bickle, fellow church member Lyle Crannock and someone named Russell Brand.

See also: Susan Boyle sings on Oprah

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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