Written by Kristin Dreyer Kramer
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Monday, 4 March 2002

image for Hollywood Grows Child Stars
It's a Start

Hollywood studios recently admitted that their child stars are specially bred for filming.

This child star breeding, Hollywood executives revealed, began long ago - when there just weren't enough child actors to go around. In those days, everyone loved the shows that starred cute little boys and girls, but no one was willing to sacrifice their dish-washers, babysitters, and cow-milkers for the entertainment of others.

"Shirley Temple could be in just so many movies," explained Universal's Child Manager, Glen Williams. "There weren't any other kids showing up for auditions, so Hollywood had to find other ways of finding children to star in their films."

Before long, each studio in Hollywood had set up a super-secret department to control the breeding and training of child stars. They had some success - but also a number of failures. Ron Howard was a tremendous success. Danny Bonaduce, on the other hand, was not.

During the 80s, Hollywood discovered that the best child stars were more than just cute, smiley kids. They were pairs of cute, smiley kids. The Olsen twins, for example, were a huge success. So studios gradually stopped wasting their time on individual child stars and started breeding sets of twins.

No one knew about the breeding of these children until just recently, when Drew Barrymore began to question her upbringing. She soon realized that most of her fondest childhood memories were either stories that her caretakers told her repeatedly or mini-plays that were carefully scripted and performed by other actors at the studio.

Today, each Hollywood studio has approximately thirty sets of twins under the age of 18 living in dormitory-like apartments. Each pair was bred according to specifications - and was born and raised right in the studio.

Since the US government learned long ago that it's best to keep its nose out of Hollywood business, government officials refuse to comment - or to acknowledge anything out of the ordinary.

"If anyone tries to stop us, we can pay them off. Or we'll send some of our very persuasive associates to convince them otherwise," said Williams. "We're not afraid."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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