E-by-gum! news has revealed that A-list celebrities who refuse to appear with Ryan Seacrust on interviews will be tagged with fish-shaped "hypno chips" which insert directly into the rectum.
An alarmed Piff Doddy exclaimed that such a bold move is an infringement on the Geneva Convention of Human Rights to which the entertainment company replied "A fish-shaped rectal implant is entirely legal under any stipulation with the exception of Vietnamese POW's."
Sylvester Stallone joined the argument saying "Urr zuh only reazon day doin' dis is to keep twacks on whut we doin'. Fhuck dem ersholes".
This bungling drivel was subsequenly translated.
E-by-gum! news have refused to comment further