Susan Boyle has beat a hasty retreat to her hometown, fearful that her dream of winning the competition 'Britain's Got Talent' may not come true, as a young, vibrant singer with perky breasts and questionable morals made her debut last night.
Candy Dream, a 17 year old from Devon, Cornwall, sang a breathy, hauntingly slow version of the classic tune 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts' which sent Piers Morgan and Simon Cowell spontaneously leaping up on stage to profess their enthusiasm for the performance, to the astonishment of the contestant.
Not long afterwards several male members of the audience followed suit, leaping and bounding through the orchestra pit and attacking with bravado anyone who might provide a barrier to their entry to the stage area, reminiscent of Operation Overlord, the landing of Allied forces at Normandy, 1942. Security responded in kind with small arms fire and low impact explosives, some of which led to collateral damage. Casualties were limited to those audience members that were able to establish a beachhead on the stage as well as people in the front rows.
Piers Morgan sustained superficial wounds, a pair of scorched eyebrows, and is currently recuperating St. George's Hospital, London.
"Can I just say," Simon Cowell gleefully stated, "that this was by far my favourite performance ever of a song about a tropical, milk-bearing, fruit."