Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Gay, Movies, Black

Sunday, 19 April 2009

image for "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" to be Remade by Gays, Blacks, Mormons, Nerds, and Others
It's going to take a lot more rings than this!

The rights for the 1954 movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers have been lost and have fallen into Public Domain. The movie tells the story of the Pontipee brothers, who kidnap a group of girls to become their wives. As they live in backwoods Oregon in the 1850's, and an avalanche traps them on their farm on the other side of a mountain range, the girls cannot be rescued and fall in love with their kidnappers before their fathers get to them.

Rosie O'Donnell and her production company have announced that they will produce Seven Brides for Seven Sisters. In this Lesbian themed movie, a group of Bull Dikes (O'Donnell will play the oldest) kidnap a group of young, innocent girls outside of modern day San Francisco. Due to Stockholm syndrome, the young girls fall in love with their captors and change their sexual orientation.

In Seven Brides for One Brother, a polygamist member of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (not to be confused with the Mormon Church) is the only male survivor of a plane crash. There are, however, seven women of various ages who live through the crash. In their time on a desert island, the woman are converted to his faith and all marry the man, Brigham Smith. They also begin wearing bonnets and dream of living in a compound in Texas.

Seven Brides for Seven Brotha's takes place in the ghetto. A group of Nappy Headed Ho's returning from a basketball tournament become stranded in the ghetto. They are protected, and eventually fall in love with, members of a black gang that pimps them out, passes them around, and never marries any of them. This highly anticipated gangsta rap film from Spike Lee will feature some of the strongest male, fatherhood, and responsibility portrayals of lower class blacks since The Cosby Show. Bill Cosby has said that he will boycott this movie.

Nerds cannot wait for the arrival of Seven Brides for Seven Bloggers. In this film, a group of super-models are accidentally blinded. They are staying in the same hotel that is hosting a Star Trek convention. A group of the nerds (a.k.a. Virgins) at the convention take in the women and care for them for the week. When their eyesight is restored, the supermodels realize that they have come to love the geeks. This movie is, of course, a fantasy.

Seven Brides from Seven Borders will tell the story of a group of women who try to find husbands before their visas expire and they are deported to their homelands. They are captured by the Border Patrol and fall in love with their INS guards and captors.

The next movie should not be confused with the one above. Seven Brides for Seven Boarders tells the story of a group of surfers who accidentally wind up in Kansas ("no waves, dude"). They end up falling in love with a group of farm girls who have never seen the ocean and only wear bikinis at the local swimming pool. Part of the comedy, however, comes from trying to understand the confusing language of the beach bums and their trying to fit into normal society.

All six movies are rushing to be the first to open in theatres. Expect the first film to be released in the late summer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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