Written by Earnest A. Peal
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Saturday, 18 April 2009

image for Susan Boyle tossed off BGT
The Lothian Thistles lost another match, to the Preston Jr. High School team, on Friday.

Overnight sensation Susan Boyle was ruled ineligible to continue in the Britain's Got Talent television show after it was learned that she was paid for her work on a charity CD.

Boyle sang Cry Me a River on a 1998 CD to benefit the Foundation for Retired Football Hooligans. Though she was only paid in free match tickets for the local Lothian Thistle club, the rules committee judged that as she received something of value in exchange for her singing, she should be considered a professional, and thus ineligible for the show, which is devoted to discovering amateurs.

Boyle disputed that the tickets had value. "You haven't seen the Thistle's play," she said.

Though she is sorely disappointed at not being able to appear on the show, it seems that she will have no lack of offers to produce a commercial CD, and Simon Cowell remains interested.

Sadly, though Boyle's rendition of Cry Me a River was fantastic, the rest of the CD consisted of football cheer songs and rowdy drinking songs from the Thistle Supporters Pub Night, making it largely unsalable. Fourteen copies were sold to club sponsors with the other 86 given away to players and supporters.

Now, the club is looking to make a fortune on Internet downloads of Boyle's tune. Besides helping out Marty Duggan, who broke a collarbone in a fight after a match last week, the Foundation should be able to build a home for seven older hooligans who are still living with their parents, and to support job training programs for 48 others who have become too old to make a career of hooliganism.

Leftover funds will be used to pay off outstanding bar tabs accumulated by the Thistle Supporter's over many years.

See also: Simon Cowell nixes Christ on BGT

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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