Written by Vayne Bainbridge
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Topics: Amy Winehouse

Thursday, 16 April 2009

We knew it had to happen, and it finally did. Amy Winehouse has turned to mud. She was spotted Tuesday at a Cotton Bay Village spa in Saint Lucia, wallowing in the mud like a pig in a Waller.

She was naked, and onlookers were required to sign a waiver releasing the spa from any future legal claims arising from eye injury. Winehouse rolled and oinked and rooted in the filth just like the hogs that were sharing it did.

A spa spokesman had this to say, "We've been meaning to get that low spot filled for months. Every time it rains, it turns into this huge mud pit and the pigs from the farm over there come down here to roll around and root with their snouts. The oinking is enough to drive anyone mad."

When asked about Winehouse, the spokesman said, "We're not sure when she showed up. A client came up from the sun porch and told us that something vaguely human was down in the pit. A couple of us went down to investigate and saw it. It was lying on the grass next to the mud and we hosed it off. When we saw who it was we naturally got out the HazMat suits. None of us wanted to take any chances."

Since being woken from her mud-induced stupor, Winehouse has been rolling in the mud, oinking, and belligerently yelling at anyone who approached. The spa has had no choice but to cordon off the area and insist people sign the waivers.

Police have been called on several occasions, but can do nothing, as the area in question is involved in a minor land dispute.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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