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Thursday, 16 April 2009

image for Nick Jonas Admits to Masturbating
Father O'Brian of St. Judas Cathedral finds Jonas actions "reprehensible"

Despite wearing a Christian "purity ring" at all times, Jonas Brothers lead guitarist Nick Jonas unabashedly admitted to the news media that he enjoys masturbating as much as most young men.

"I've been masturbating since I was 12. I see nothing wrong with it", Jonas explained.

All of the Jonas brothers are devout Assembly Church of God Christians and their religion expressly prohibits the wanton spilling of ones seed. However, through Biblical research Jonas sees loopholes in the philosophy.

"Granted, masturbating is a sin but premarital sex is worse", the youthful Jonas continued as he fingered his purity ring. "When you've got gorgeous women in their underwear with huge sexy breasts pounding at your door day and night what are you supposed to do?"

Jonas also admitted that he masturbated frequently when he was dating pop singing sensation and Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus. It would appear Cyrus kept sending him sexy pictures of herself in her underwear and this inspired the young man to have uncontrollable erections. Several of the pictures sent to Jonas can be found easily on the Internet.

Jonas father, former Assembly Church of God preacher Paul Kevin Jonas, outwardly condemned his son for his behavior. "He will burn in hell for eternity - after he makes us all rich!" the Elder Jonas declared.

"I intend on staying a virgin until I am married", Nick Jonas stated. "And I hope that comes soon!"

The other Jonas brothers were largely silent on their masturbation habits but Joe did say, "I get hard sometimes".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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