Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 7 April 2009

image for Lindsay Lohan's Dad Adopting New Kids
Michael Lohan in the middle of nowhere

Now relegated to the halls of obscurity, Michael Lohan, most recognized for being Lindsay Lohan's father, is looking for new foster children. Where his full name had been routinely mentioned in the press when Lindsay was a younger child star, Michael is looking for a way back into the public eye.

"I don't know what happened", Michael Lohan says, "Now I'm only referred to as Lindsay's dad." Spokesman for Mr. Lohan, told a vacant press conference room at the local Salvation Army shelter, that Lohan the senior, was ready to adopt new children. "Preferably young and famous ones", Lohan added.

Lohan has instructed his publicist to target child stars on cable television channels like Nickelodeon and Disney. "We figure that if any of those kids are unsatisfied with their own parental situation, Mr. Lohan would be willing to step in and adopt, under the right contractual scenario of course", said publicist Spector Heiny. "No one knows the ins and outs of managing children through the pitfalls of Hollywood like Mr. Lohan."

Michael Lohan will be taking applications for new children, and actively recruiting through his publicist for the next several weeks. "I'm even looking at older kids who could clearly benefit from my guidance", Lohan commented. "Those Jonas kids from the music industry look like they're struggling, and I'm just the guy to help put them over the top."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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