DATELINE:HOLLYWOOD-- Show biz types are buzzing with excitement about the remake of the television classic, Gilligan's Island. The movie will debut next month with an all star cast. Weasel-faced Sean Penn stars as the unlovable Gilligan. Ozzy Osbourne stars as a very stoned Skipper and Angelina Jolie plays a topless Mary Ann.
The movie boasts other top stars as the luckless castaways. John Hurt and Helen Mirren play the Howells, and Adam Sandler does a very snarky Professor. The film's biggest surprise is Rosie O'Donnell as a very fat and very lesbian middle-aged Ginger Grant.
The remake has been updated for these not-so-innocent times. The castaways are lazy, promiscuous morons and have been stuck on the island for twenty years. Skipper has a hemp farm and the castaways get stoned all day.
The thin plot revolves around a very pregnant Mary Ann (Angelina Jolie). Mary Ann doesn't know who the father is and asks the Professor (Adam Sandler) to invent a DNA test. The Professor makes a DNA test from coconuts and it turns out Ginger (Rosie O'Donnell) is the dad. Ginger is a pre-op transsexual!
Gilligan and Mary Ann marry and Ginger later makes it a threesome. The film ends when everyone welcomes the birth of the eighth castaway by getting stoned.
The film is set for release on Memorial Day Weekend. It's expected to earn at least $200 million and should sweep the Oscars next year.