Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Saturday, 28 March 2009

image for "Star Wars" girl Natalie Portman is a real "Professional" "cleaner" when it comes to picking up dog poop
Baxter is waiting for you to look away...Natalie

Hollywood, California - Apparently, Natalie Portman is a real "Professional" "cleaner" when it comes to picking up after dogs. I mean she just can't seem to get enough of the steamy stuff as she has been spotted cruising the streets of her Hollywood neighborhood with poop bag in tow. Following not only her dog but also that of other people's in hopes of picking up their doggy poop too.

Reportedly, members of her own Neighborhood Watch program has approached her begging her to stop, but their effort has proved unsuccessful so far.

"We really appreciate what she is doing making sure that the neighborhood is poop free," said Julie Taylor, head of the Neighborhood Watch program on Portman's block. "But she really doesn't have to pick up the poop from other dogs. She should give the owner of the dog a chance to do that first. It's their responsibility. Not hers."

Some outraged dog owners have even called the police on Portman, accusing her of harassing their dogs.

"She has really up set my little Baxter," said Paula Johnson, an elderly neighbor who called the cops on Portman last week to no avail. "My poor pooch. He can't go while anyone is watching. Even I have to turn away. Oh, but not Natalie. Not only does she stand there looking on at little Baxter while he tries to do his business, but she holds her hand underneath him, wearing a catcher's mitt covered in plastic, too. Ready to grab his poop even before it hits the ground."

Mrs. Johnson has vowed to send Portman the veterinarian bill for Baxter's treatments.

"Baxter has been constipated for a whole week now," said Johnson in near tears. "And she [Portman] knows that. And still she's out there every time I take him for a walk. Just waiting for Baxter to take a poop."

According to Mrs. Johnson, Portman stands off in the distance on the corner with her binoculars, bullhorn and catcher's mitt covered in a plastic baggy in hand.

"Oh, I don't know what to do," says Mrs. Johnson, as Baxter squats down by the sidewalk on a neighbor's lawn attempting to defecate, but then quickly stands right back up and whimpers as Portman jogs pass by.

"What's wrong with you young woman?" screams out Mrs. Johnson in a frail voice, waving her cane and Baxter's leash in the air. "Why don't you get a man and have some babies, if you like handling poop so much? Oh why does she have to bother my poor little Baxter and me? Come on Baxter, we'll try again tomorrow."

"I'll be waiting Mrs. Johnson," yells out Portman in the distance.

"If she doesn't stop it soon, we're going to try an intervention," said a close friend of Portman. We've already given her a warning that we will all be keeping an eye on her and if he see her stalking any more dogs in the neighborhood, even if they are strays, we moving in on her and then it's off to rehab."

A spokesman for Portman denied that she has a problem with cleaning up after other people's dogs and insists that she only cleans up after her own.

"And as far as Mrs. Johnson's incident report to the police," said the spokesman for Portman. "Poor old woman, she suffers from dementia. Need I say more?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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