Concerned at the plight of America's pop stars, many who live very unhealthily and are surrounded by poisonous chemicals, poor food, and war-mongering leaders that waste their taxes on needless wars, the people of Malawi today announced they were adopting some of the stars.
Malawi's most famous film actress, Rita Mgmvilms, said: 'I feel so sorry for those poor Americans, living such sad, pointless lives, never doing anything except miming to their latest unoriginal songs on TV. And their children have such a terrible time, being dragged around the world without any normal sort of life, and always being photographed, so me and others here in Malawi are adopting some of the pop stars.'
The first star to be adopted was Madonna, whose plight of doing nothing worthwhile to get in the news for years and so resorting to publicity stunts with children has brought much sadness to the world. 'Poor Madge', Mgmvilms said, 'I couldn't see her in such a desperate situation without helping her, it's time for us completely sensible, balanced, normal Africans to put out a helping hand to such unfortunate Americans.'
'But it will be a joy to see her and her children getting away from the nightmare of living their lives in front of cameras, never in the same country for more than one week at a time, and living in more houses than Idi Amin. Amin, I mean - I mean.'
Other American pop stars in need of adoption include LeAnn Rimes, whose wailing voice has broken many people's hearts, as well as their eardrums, and Bob Dylan, whose voice was once used by construction workers to demolish a multi-storey car park.
'We in Malawi will help them', Miss Mgmvilms said, 'we cannot let such suffering continue. Let's hope it's not too late for the poor American pop stars, or they may die out completely from starvation of talent. Madonna will be happy here, knowing that nobody cares what she eats or wears, or what she does at all, at last she will be a totally and utterly uninteresting nobody, just like everyone else, and her children will be happy and normal again.'
Miss Ciccone herself added: 'Yes, I'm so thankful to get away from the news people, things were so bad in America I nearly had to strip off naked and cut my toenails standing on my head just to get publicity. Thankfully that is all ending now, as I escape from such a meaningless lifestyle and head to Malawi', and she tearfully began to wave goodbye to people passing by in the street. But one such person said: 'Who's that girl?'