David Jason today apologised for 'shameful and disgraceful remarks' on the radio, ones that led to a record number of angry complaints to the BBC.
'I hang my head in shame', the Only Fools and Horses star said on Radio 4 today, 'I said things that have insulted millions across the world, words of downright evil and monstrous wrongness. Can anyone ever forgive me for my shocking behaviour?'
And taking a bite out of an onion pakora, he sobbed: 'Please have it in your hearts to forgive me for my hateful words, please, oh people of Britain', and blowing his nose into a nearby japatti he continued: 'I'm leaving A Touch Of Frost because of this, and I don't think I can go on after what I have done', and the actor left the studios in floods of tears.
Across Britain flags were flying at half mast after Jason's comments on air yesterday, and millions were wearing black armbands, and some were even beating themselves with sticks to try and cope with the dreadful thing that has happened.
One, Mustafa Quppa, said: 'The disgustingly evil comments by - and I can't even mention his name, I'm so sickened - by that actor have driven be to hitting myself with a stick. How much longer must we have to put up with these terrible and completely inoffensive jokes, that nobody even notices?'
And another, dressed in black after David Jason's remarks, added: 'This sort of Islamophobic, anti-Asianic, not-grovelling-to-a-few-ridiculous-corner shop owners-ist, inequalitistic, discrimination-against-lesbian-badgerist, anti-equal-opportunities-for-Eskimo-penguin-farmering xenophobaholicismisticalism must now stop!'
We can reprint here Mr Jason's disgraceful comments he made on the 'Which planet are these people on anyway?' show, with a warning that this may cause offense to a 2 year-old child somewhere: 'What do you call a Pakistani with a sense of humour? Asif!'
Spoof lawyers were preparing for as many complaints from the public as David Jason's joke caused, i.e. not a single one.