Written by Atticus Finch
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Friday, 20 March 2009

image for Tom Cruise Told He Is Too Short To Ride Roller Coaster
Hitler's Favourite Town - Spared By The Fuhrer

A tearful Tom Cruise was today refused admission to ride on Blackpool Pleasure Beaches 'The Big One' after he failed to meet the height restrictions.

Cruise, in Blackpool for a vacation was visibly shocked when attendant Stuart Pearson told him he was an inch shorter than the required size.

"I didn't recognise him at first" said Stuart "But when he started crying and that and speaking and that I realised it was Cruise!"

Cruise, it is reported, returned to his Bed and Breakfast to find some stilts - which luckily the landlady, Mrs Betty Oldsock, kept for emergencies such as these.

But unfortunately for Cruise, he couldn't fool Stuart.

"He came back right, and I knew it was him right and I said 'no Mr Cruise you can not ride the Roller Coaster!"

An embarrassed Cruise once again burst into tears but found solace in a 'Meat and Potato Pie' with chips and gravy and mushy peas and a ride on a Donkey called Dennis.

"I shall return to Blackpool" beamed Tom, with gravy and peas dribbled on his shirt "but next time I will wear platforms!"

Stuart Pearson though had the last word "Not on my watch - in fact any diminutive Hollywood stars, for example Danny De Vito and Michael J Fox, who try to get passed me might as well forget it, I am serious about height restrictions."

A spokesman for De Vito has said he has no intention of visiting the Seaside town ...that they forgot to bomb. Come, come, come - nuclear bomb.

Fox, 40, announced on his website "I was looking forward to trudging slowly over wet sand back to the bench where my clothes were stolen, in the is the coastal town that they forgot to close down. I won't go now - I'll go to Fleetwood instead."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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