MAIM executives in Hollywood today announced they were putting a biopic of the life and crimes of Austrian Joseph Fritzl into production, and that it would star Tom Cruise and Anthony Hopkins.
In true Hollywood tradition it will be entirely accurate and tasteful, and Hopkins will star as the Austrian, while Cruise will play an American journalist that manages to do what the Austrian police force and even Interpol failed to do, which is to work out that Fritzl's daughter has gone missing and is living in the basement of her father's house.
'Yeah', MAIM producer Steven Truthberger said, 'the movie opens in Lost Angels, Californicating, and Tom is a devoted father, who misses his sweetheart wife that's left him to go to become a vampire whiskey-taster in Ireland, and he's left to bring up their daughter Moonpest alone.'
'Then he gets a call from the CIA to fly to Austria - as he secretly doubles as an American secret agent - and soon he is drinking schnapps in Goozschtepper Platz in Innsbruck, Austria, looking at his album of Moonpest photos.'
'In the next scene Anthony sits around in semi-darkness, cackling and making hideous cartoon villain noises while drinking beakers of a foaming green liquid, and then opens a bottle of Chianti, to share with his daughter at dinner. But just as he's emptying the bottle into a decanter, Tom knocks on the door. 'Come in', says Hopkins. 'In the name of freedom and democracy', Cruise replies, 'and wholesome movies for Americans, I arrest you, despite the fact I have no jurisdiction in Austria and speak no German.'
But Hopkins, as Fritzl, reaches for a submachine gun and starts blasting away at Cruise, wounding him in the arm, then suddenly the door opens and Fritzl's daughter walks into the room. 'Daddy', she says, 'why can't you and mommy be friends again, and take me to the park to eat apple pie with ET?'
'Because', says Cruise, 'your father ate your mother for dinner last week', and then blows Fritzl's head off with a bazooka, that he finds in his back pocket. And the movie ends with Tom adopting the daughter and marrying Madonna in Scotland, and then divorcing her a week later.
Film critics expect such a tasteful movie to win ten Oscars next year - maybe nine, if one of them goes missing.