Written by For'Nique
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Topics: Nature, Jazz

Thursday, 24 June 2004

After many years of speculation, the true nature and orientation of the relationship between two of the entertainment industry's most prolific performers is finally known -- Sesame Street's Ernie and Bert are "jazz-hands gay."

A number of Gay Rights organizations have heralded the entertainment icons' bravery for their recent admission just days ago. In a statement released Friday, June 18, 2004, Ernie wrote:

"We've concealed our lives for many years because we feared it would compromise our being able to work in children's educational programming. But, when Bert had his bypass last year, I was faced with the knowledge that if he didn't make it, after the muppet-funeral, the world would have merely acknowledged that he was my buddy. And I would have lost far more than a buddy. I would have lost my soul-mate. So, we're hear to tell the world we're gay…and we're fabulous."

Reaction within the gay community has been mixed. Representatives from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) provided positive feedback following the release, stating, "You go girl!" While critics, including the Bisexual Organization for Ordinary Transsexual Youth (BOOTY), have denounced both Ernie and Berth for waiting nearly 30 years to ‘come out.' BOOTY spokesperson, Gary ‘Laquita' Brown said, "I could understand if their gayness was clear, like Siegfried & Roy, or like Rosie O'Donnell, or like Tom Cruise. But they were both acting all macho-butch, acting all hetero, not for a few months or a few years, but for 30 damn years. What's to hide? Don't hide it honey - ‘cause I won't! That's why we at BOOTY say those bitches are weak! Ah'kay?!"

Industry insiders site a possible proponent for Ernie and Bert's admission as pre-emptive damage control to precede the tell-all book due out this fall by former Sesame Street actor and recovering heroin addict, Snuffalufugus. Sources close to Snuffy say readers can expect Snuffy to speak about the clear knowledge on the set of Sesame Street of Ernie and Bert's true relationship, that their homosexuality was the reason Kermit The Frog invited neither of them to join his cast of the Muppet Show, and that Kermit was a raging homophobe. Kermit responded to the surfacing allegations in Snuffy's book by saying, "He's a crack head elephant. Don't listen to him. I love gay people. Some of my best friends are gay."

Ernie and Bert have taken a leave of absence from Sesame Street while producers determine their future with the show, in particular, whether they will allow the topic to be depicted on the show.

Political figure, Al Sharpton is quoted as saying, "Whether or not the show includes Ernie and Bert's lifestyle, this is a historical benchmark. They are, after all, the first openly gay muppets since J. Edgar Hoover. Hold on a second, can gay muppets vote? They can? Well, hey, have fun fellas. First pack of Trojan's 'ribbed' is on me!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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