As momentous events were unfolding across the world, with Middle Eastern wars and terrorist attacks in Ireland, and crumbling banking systems and tension in the former Soviet Union, the one thing people and especially satirists wanted to know was - who is Jade Goody? Or what is it? Is it some sort of paint colour? And why all the articles about it?
We asked our resident satyrologist Sir Spoofton Doofus about the seemingly endless Jade Goody articles, and he said: 'Jade Goody is what is technically known as a maximus cliffordiae propagandium, for people that prefer reading The Daily Star to reading Jean-Paul Camus de la Sartre. Jade Goody is more a way of life than an existential belief, though such a belief in non-exo-anti-oxy-jadial-goodi-goodi-yumyumism is not to be disparaged.'
'Or it is, depending if you have studied the oriental version of Jadism or not. Either that, or it's lots of people droning on about a silly young woman who admits herself she's nothing except a fake celebrity, that's been invented by the press.'
But Jade Goody's mother, Baroness Gudrov von Einstein de la Zjahd of Kretinia a'Brayns, disagreed. 'I disagree', she said. 'Er, got a light, mate? Wot you first said woz true. Jade Goody is a paint colour, goes nicely wiv me curtains an' that. And watching paint dry sure beats solving the problems of quantum mechanics, or deciding whether imaginary numbers really exist or not. What's the Arsenal Wenger score?'
We tried to find out if Jade Goody really existed, and if so if it came in emulsion or gloss, or what it was at all, but to no avail. So we looked up our office Garbos catalogue, and flicking backwards through the index we passed Ross, Palin, Katona, Brand - missed it! - Camilla, Charles, Diana, ah, got it!
'Jade Goody. Cheapest and most uninteresting celebrity to fill out articles with. Has additional Brand-Katona plug. Special offer £4-99. Additional Steve Davis 'Interesting' title at £0-99. Complies with UK feeble regulations. Can be used over and over every day. Hot air-powered. Requires no batterybrain cells to operate.'