Written by Dan Bristol
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Topics: Women, New York

Thursday, 24 June 2004

New York - In a recent survey taken by Playgirl magazine, 60 Minutes veteran Andy Rooney was voted the sexiest newscaster.

Rooney, 85, whose witty commentaries were a standard feature on the CBS news show 60 Minutes for decades, was voted America's sexiest newscaster by an overwhelming majority of Playgirl's readers.

This announcement followed hard on the heels of a decision made by Playgirl executives to distribute their magazine solely to mental institutions, the blind, and women who no longer give a shit.

"Did ya ever notice how sexy my flat, pockmarked, 85-year-old ass is?" asked Rooney in response to the survey results. "It kinda looks like pizza dough that's been run over by a lorry. Lorry is a British expression for a truck. Personally, I prefer lorry to truck because it's got a more lyrical sound to it. Just the other day, I was telling my friend Mike Wallace about my flat, pockmarked, 85-year-old ass and how it looks like pizza dough that's been run over by a lorry. Mike asked, 'What's a lorry?' So I killed him. And why do people always gurgle when you strangle them? I think it's because it's such an awkward moment and they're not sure what to say, but I could be wrong. Being wrong is kinda funny . . ."

Rooney was then mercilessly beaten by a fat opera singer wielding a 50-pound albacore tuna.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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