After yesterday's 112th Tragic Relief event, held in the living room of Mrs Victoria Scrooge-Mills's house in West Cheam, it was announced that a whopping £5-89 had been raised, to help charity admin clerks and to pay for celebrities to go on free holidays in Africa.
'Yes', she said, 'this topped last year's total of £5-88, which helped us buy a paper clip and send Tony Blair on a factfinding mission in his own house. To find out where all the money we raised disappeared to, and why no paper clip was bought, and why an African dictator suddenly became £5-88 richer.'
But Chancellor of the Exchequer Alastair Darling had this to say about the charity. 'Tragic Relief is a worthwhile cause, that you should all support and donate money to.'
And taking out a calculator, he continued: 'Now, assuming the usual hasbeens and nobodies appeared on Tragic Relief - I didn't watch it, neither did my kids - and idiots will then pay them to be employed on TV shows, that will mean .... the Inland Revenue makes £5.5 million out of it all. Sounds pretty good to me, maybe we should start Downing Street Relief, might make that fat, miserable git Broon cheer up a bit, hahaha.'
Some were suggesting that Tragic Relief and other televised charity events, like Liveaid and Children In Need Of A Victorian Patronising Work Mill Mentality Rather Than Two Decent Heterosexual Parents To Look After Them And A Decent Education And Standard Of Living, were symptoms of a failed society, and symptoms of a legacy of Margaret Thatcher's fascist governments.
Others simply refused to give their money to such transparent moneygrabbers, that do more harm than good, and wish the government would stop wasting money on banks and financing American colonialism in the Middle East and spend taxes on the nation's children instead.