Beverly Hills, California - The Beverly Hills police department announced today that they have no intentions of carrying out a warrant for Lindsay Lohan's arrest. The warrant was issued on Friday after she failed to appear at her court ordered rehab session that was apart of the terms of her plea agreement for a DUI charge last year. Since then, Lohan has been rumored to be in hiding.
However, that rumor proved to be untrue when during a press conference, held outside the Beverly Hill police station, Lohan showed up driving a White Ford Bronco. Honking the car horn disrupting the interview and distracting the police officer, who was trying his best to speak over the incessant din to address the reporters.
"We will not be actively seeking the arrest of Lindsay Lohan," shouted out the Beverly Hills police officer to reporters.
Suddenly, Lohan stopped honking the car horn, rolled down the car window and yelled out obscenities and profanity, as is her usual custom before forming a cohesive thought and making a coherent statement to the media and police.
"Why don't you [censored] Beverly Hills cops come and get me?!" screamed Lohan as she leaned out the window, while racing the motor of the White Ford Bronco making rock back and forth. "Too afraid of a little rich White girl?!"
Lohan then pealed out, leaving black tire streaks on the asphalt and a plume of white gray smoke smelling of burnt rubber that blew into the pool of reporters and the police officer's face, causing them all to choke and cough.
"We will wait until Monday for Lohan's attorneys and the court to resolve the issue," said the officer ignoring what just happened as he concluded the press conference. "Until then, we're keeping our fingers crossed, hoping she will just go away."
Lohan continued in her weekend long taunting tirade on police by driving around the posh upper-class neighborhood flipping off Beverly Hills cops, giving them the bird (middle finger), doing car donuts on resident's manicured front lawns and doing Tequila body shots off her girlfriend's chest at red lights.
Reportedly, the Beverly Hills police called for a tactical alert, which normally would have given them additional officers under a mutual assistance agreement from surrounding police departments.
"But no one showed up," said an officer from a fortified underground emergency center. "Once they heard it was Lindsay Lohan on the loose again, they all called in sick."
So Beverly Hills cops, using the new reverse 911 calling system, warned residents of the danger, instructing them to stay inside their homes until the danger passed.
"They're pretty used to by now. They know the drill," said the officer. "It's just a waiting game now. It's just a matter of time until she passes out drunk like all the other times."
"Statistically specking," said Dr. Phil in a telephone interview. "Little drunk rich White chicks pose a greater danger to society as a whole. Than, oh I don't know, let's just say for argument sake, a Black ex-sport jocks accused of a double murder. Not simply because there's more of them, mind you. But trust me, because they're much more difficult to arrest and way harder to convict."