The Los Angeles Tribune reported today that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beil were secretly married in a private ceremony in Cinderella's Castle. The pair have been dating for two years and it was rumored that they would tie the knot this summer in Rome.
Conspicuous in her absence was Britney Spears, former Mickey Mouse Club member with Timberlake and his long time girlfriend. Throughout their relationship, Spears alleged that she was a virgin and that they never had sexual relations.
When the rumor was released, however, that the pair were jetting to Nassua for the honeymoon, Spears reacted quickly. "That S.O.B. is going to have sex with his wife before me! That's never going to happen," she is reported to have screamed at a Hollywood travel agent. Spears then had the agency buy up every available room in the Bahamas.
"Let them have romantic sex on the beach with the homeless people! Let them get sand in their cracks! Let the stupid seagulls poop on them. Let the tide get them wet. Let the blowing trash hit them in the face. That's all the thanks I get for giving this guy six years of my life?"
"No one can even spell this bimbo's last name. Is it "ie", "ei", or "ea"? Like anyone cares."
Spears then cut her hair off, got a new tattoo, took off her panties and flashed the crowd, got drunk, and swam naked in a pool with another woman.
With Briney, it's always SSDD: same stuff, different day.